I have made the decision to come back.
*pauses poignantly waiting for this momentous news and flamboyant fanfare to sink in*
*News waits nervously waiting for someone to exclaim...She's back... No one does....News feels like a fool*
Hey...News, come back.......come back.
*News fucks off not wanting to become a damp squib*
*fanfare rolls up its flags and packs itself back into it's velvet lined case*
*fanfare waddles off muttering something about a jousting contest*
Hmmph. Well ok so I haven't been missed. I shall carry on anyway!
I have decided to come back to my online head larder to write stuff down on a page that I painstakingly designed and laid bare my foibles. I did that over a year ago. I wrote two things and then I buggered off.
The reason I haven't visited for so long?
I wasn't sure of the design. I wasn't sure what it said about me. Was the green swirly background image too twee? Should I have my actual name heading the page or was it acceptable to go with my nickname? Should the "about me" bit be vaguely humorous or vaguely humourless? I don't know. I don't know. I just DON'T KNOW.
Also, I wasn't sure of what to write.
I mean I should be sure of what I wanted to say, shouldn't I?
Or should I? Could I ramble on about not a lot? Tell you all about a dream I had last night, tell you what I ate, post pictures of my dog (I will post pictures of my dog), write about the weather (it's snowing today, people are driving like arseholes). Do you see? That's a lot of doubt, a lot of questioning, for a blog. A Blog. Jesus. Stop being such a dick Mayhew.
And so I have been tinkering. Tinkering with the colour, blue, green, pink, grey and finally back to green. Tinkering with the words, endlessly writing and deleting, writing and deleting until finally I gave up because no matter what I wrote (in rough) or dabbled with in design it was never good enough and so I just stopped. Stopped it all, stopped the dabbling, the tinkering and the endless search for the perfect background image. I stopped because it was driving me nuts. I drive me nuts.
So for a year I stayed away and had ideas of writing things down but could never quite commit to ACTUALLY WRITING THINGS DOWN.
So I have had to have a very long and quite stern chat with myself. I stared myself in the eyes and did my best "I am deadly serious about this" face and I spoke to myself, I pulled no punches, I told myself how it was and that I wasn't going to take anymore of my crap.
I don't like stern me especially when I am at the receiving end of stern me. But stern me worked. I listened to stern me.
So over a year ago my first post was about not being able to decide, not being able to commit, being totally lost in a confusion of plenty.
And here I am again, confused and unwilling to commit! I'm constant. I can't decide a fucking thing BUT I am constant.
I do not deviate from the deviation.
And to honour this new found me I am now going to push the button and get on with writing something that's about something other than not being able to write something.
Also, I have to push the button now because I am tinkering with this in a coffee shop and the lady next to be is wearing quite the most suffocating, nostril abusing perfume I have ever had the misfortune of sniffing. Sniffing would imply that I am actively trying to smell it... I am not. It is abusing me and my nasal space.
*pushes publish and flounces off without a second thought*
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